Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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