think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
