Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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