mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
