Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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