some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
