the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
