I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
