If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
