Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
My underwear smells like fireworks.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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