More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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