I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
