look no pants
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
