Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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