in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
