all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
