i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
