you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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