After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
