so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
