Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
