hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
