Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
