the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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