I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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