Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
