And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
