Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
