I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
