fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
