Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
