dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
