Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
