i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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