I can text with my tongue
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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