Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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