I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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