Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
