Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
