we're chasing vodka with high fives
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
