im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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