I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
