He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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