The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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