fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
