I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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