I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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