u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
