I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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