my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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